"What should I be?" I overheard one girl asking another in a costume store recently.
I'm an eavesdropper, and this conversation was well worth following.
So, in all my middle-aged invisibility, I lingered as the pair of middle-schoolers contemplated their choices for Halloween. These were tweens with braces and eyeliner — young enough to fit into kids' sizes but determined to shop the women's section.
"How's this?" asked one holding a French maid costume over her skinny jeans and Juicy Couture T-shirt. The feather duster was sold separately. "Sweet. Try it on," urged the other as she pulled two costumes off the rack. One was a "Sexy Thumper Bunny." The other, a "Deluxe Pirate Wench."
The problem with eavesdropping is you can't bust into the conversation. I couldn't very well blurt out "No way, too slutty" to the BFFs who were shopping after school without their parents. That would be creepy.
So there I was, feeling like Tipper Gore as I cringed at the choices available to these girls. For your information, there's an ungodly amount of Spandex, stilettos and bustiers in Halloween stores. And a surprising emphasis on thigh-high hosiery and garters. Bondage is big, as in the array of revealing prisoner get-ups with labels like "Ally Catraz," "Miss Behaved" and "Jail Bait." Law enforcement is a major theme, such as the "Busted Police" outfit and the much-coveted "Smokin Hot Fire Fighter" number.
And waiting tables is all the rage. One of the tweeners had her heart set on a cocktail waitress uniform because, she told her friend in the dressing room, "It has good cleavage." The other settled on a low-cut costume labeled "Beer Garden Girl."
Men can choose from all manner of action heroes and historical costumes. There's Julius Caesar, a pregnant nun, a golden Buddha and even that old dancing guy on the Six Flags commercials. My favorite is the Corpse Costume Body Bag, which only comes in men's sizes.
What's disturbing in the women's section is the lack of imagination. Aside from fabulous Wonder Woman, "Princess Amidala" and "I Love Lucy" costumes, there are few heroics and little humor.
Costume companies have taken a renewed interest in Alice in Wonderland and made raunch out of the Queen of Hearts and the Cheshire Cat. Alice herself comes in several forms of soft porn.
Women basically have two choices: stripper chic or plus-sized potato sacks. This leaves me sad and sorry for my two tweeners pondering what they should be.
I've spent a week now thinking about all sorts of answers I could have offered in the costume store. For one: Be smart and strong. To the blond who will be ringing doorbells as "Sexy Thumper Bunny" this Halloween, to her friend the Beer Garden Girl, and to all the young babysitters who will be spending their hard-earned earnings on costumes this year, I say, be careful what you make believe.
Better yet, learn to sew.
© Susan Greene The Denver Post
